Content Updated On : 2021-11-28

Actors are a funny lot. Sometimes they're not satisfied with where they are. I include myself.

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A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.

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I think politics is extremely funny in and of itself.

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If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.

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The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.

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A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

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I have really fond memories of growing up in Chicago, and I always love going back. I still have a lot of really good friends from high school that I go to dinner with. It's kind of become a tradition when I go out there to do a show to give a few friends a call, tell some funny stories about high school and walk down memory lane.

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The Simpsons are ugly-looking, and they should be. That's what works. That's one of the things that's funny.

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I did this movie called 'Their Eyes Were Watching God,' and I was an extra, and it was a movie that Oprah was producing. She had walked by, and I was making all the other extras laugh, and she said, 'You're a very funny young lady.' I was like, 'Eeeee!'

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I remember listening to the radio as a kid and finding that the songs always made me feel more peaceful. Funny, but the more hurtin' the music was, the better it made me feel. I think of that now when I write my songs. I may not be feelin' the blues myself, but I'm writing them for other people who have a hard life.

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I like to make jokes; I consider myself a funny person. I just think making jokes about people who are in a situation beyond their control is not funny to them or their families.

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Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

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Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy.

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All my children inherited perfect pitch.

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Comedy is subjective, and any joke can be funny.

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If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.

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There is a saying that if you get something for free, you should know that you're the product. It was never more true than in the case of Facebook and Gmail and YouTube. You get free social-media services, and you get free funny cat videos. In exchange, you give up the most valuable asset you have, which is your personal data.

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If you're naturally kind, you attract a lot of people you don't like.

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I can't even look at daily comic strips. And I hate sitcoms because they don't seem like real people to me: they're props that often say horrible things to each other, which I don't find funny. I have to feel like they're real people.

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